Waiting For Winter
by ErinNovelist
Summary: Morgana, reincarnated into her second life, is haunted by visions of Merlin in this life. She attempts to understand her true feelings for the warlock and waits until she finally can find him. "It's not that you poisoned me; it's that it was you who did it". Companion to The Forgetful Reincarnation series. Pre-story.
1. Chapter 1

In the eighteen months since I remembered, I've tried to forget you. I tried to believe that the memories which haunted my every waking moment were simple hallucination. I tried to tell myself not to fall into the delusion that there was a possibility that you were real. I tried, but things never worked out.

Maybe it's because I can never seem to figure you out. You confuse me.

You confuse me because of who you are in my dreams before it all comes crashing down. You had been the clumsy idiot that followed my brother around. You had always been an enigma to me, the person who always captured my attention whenever you walked by. I thought it was just curiosity, but some part whispered that it was something more. I always hid that voice away, laughing at how stupid and utterly appalling the idea that I had somehow managed to fall for you was. Who ever heard of the king's ward loving for a servant?

You confuse me because after Morgause (my half-sister you were convinced was evil to the core) came, you changed. You used to be the idiotic manservant to the prat of a Crown Prince. You, at times, were my confident. You used to be outgoing and loud. But after she came around, you were quiet, reserved, and observant. You were still analytical though, even if she had magnified that side of you. It took me a long while to understand what exactly drew me in. The pre-sorceress or the post-murderer.

Oh, yes. I remember that moment very clearly. You poisoned me.

You confuse me because now that _she_ is gone, the other half left as well. Which half of you took my heart? Does it matter now that you are both vacant from my life? I sit here, at my desk at the University of Cambridge, and you are miles away, contently living your second life, hopefully unaware of our past. I feel as if I am meant to hate you; we were sworn enemies for far too long. I cannot even hope that you can forgive me. It's why I haven't confessed my memories to my brother or father. If they knew I remembered, if t_hey_ remembered… Everything I did….

You left me no choice, so I was forced to live in fear. Fear of being discovered. Fear of losing my life. Fear of losing my second chance. Fear of my magic. It was as if I was living as a Lady once more, only I knew that I would not become corrupted. Magic, I knew, was a gift. Being raised in this time, everything is different. I'm not alone. My father regards me with the same awestruck expression the King of Camelot once did, yet he captures my attention with his kindness and generosity. If he remembers, then he is atoning for the thousand sins he committed back then. It has allowed me to open my eyes and see how lost I was, how horrid my actions were, how quickly my sanity had vanished.

My only excuse for my behavior began then was that I was young and vulnerable, easily corrupted and easily hurt. I was alone and had stupid teenage-ideas of what power truly was.

Nonetheless, I harnessed the negative memories, the nightmares I had once lived, and dedicated my second chance to repaying the debt. With my new outlook, I can cause hope when there's doubt, love when there's hate, and comfort when there's pain. It's a good life I'm living, and I hope that even if others regain their memories, they won't judge me for past actions and open their hearts' to forgiveness.

It's an impossible hope, but it's my one of my most important desires. Though, if I had to choose one wish, I would choose to find you. I would want to ask for _your_ forgiveness, because, in all honesty, yours is the only one that matters to be.

All I care about is what you think. What you would think. How you feel. If you have your memories. The thoughts are constant, a never ending drone in the back of my mind. In fact, all I think about is _you_. Especially in the winter, though. I know that it's stupid to say, because the winter has no specific meaning to _us_ – or you for that matter. However, for me, it marks the anniversary of my Seer magic. The gift once caused me nights of restless sleep, but with the second chance, the nightmares have been banished. I fought hard against them; I'd like to think that you'd be proud of me because I won the war.

My memories began when my magic developed. It started with my Seer power, flickers across my closed lids of the past life I once had. Some time later, when I was aware of my visions, I finally acknowledged I had a past life as an evil High Priestess. It took from late November to early January for me to accept my past and track a new future. Right before the New Year, my Seer powers showed a lone figure at the end of an alleyway, snow swirling about as tears streamed down a panic-stricken face. I knew instantly when I was brought to consciousness that it was you. Not the one I had come to know, but the one I would eventually find. It was you in your second life.

That winter gave me hope.

It promised that I had a chance to redo everything. It's where I built everything that any value to me in this life: my magic, my relationships with my friends and family, my secret affection for the unknown warlock. But the more I thought about winter, I realized that whether it was winter or summer – none of it mattered. Winter was where I changed; I had the rest of my life to act on my promises. As long as I was with these people I had long forgotten, everything was going to be alright.

There was a point in that winter, however, when I wondered if my mind set would become corrupted again. I swore I would never allow that to happen, but sometimes, my fears got the worse of me. I don't remember when I finally was pulled from my darkening reverie, but I know I was shell-shocked into denial. I realized that I was fighting against ever turning in this life, and as long as I had that determination, I would be fine.

With my memories and magic, I sought to live out the best of this second chance. Everything was going perfectly; I was blissfully content (until my thoughts wandered to you and then my palms turned sweaty because that demanding part of me whispered once more that I apparently "loved you")… (It would explain why I felt so strongly about how you felt or whether you remembered or the fact that I cared more about you than anyone). Regardless, you weren't a part of my life this time, so I concluded that I would eventually forget (I knew though, in my deepest heart, I never would).

And that's how I continued to live until that late December night, the darkest hour when I had my head thrown back in laughter, accompanying my brother and his girlfriend from a local bar. I cast a quick glance across the street and caught a glimpse of you. I immediately froze, unable to proceed to the taxi in front of me, watching you hustle away in a flat-out sprint. You turned into an alleyway, and the light from the street caught your face.

I swore you were crying.

"Katie?" a voice suddenly snapped, hands on my shoulders. "You alright?"

I focused my eyes on my brother, and I felt the air leave me in a _whoosh_. I turned back, hoping to see you, but you were long gone.

It was just like my vision. Part of me hoped that it was reality, but as time progressed, I was forced to believe that I had another vision. Maybe it was denial because I never saw you again after that. Chances are that it was real, but eventually, my doubt consumed me and I reconciled with the fact that, in this life, you weren't found.

The eighteen months have passed by since I got my memories, and that vision still haunts me. I began college at Columbia for my second term, relocating with my brother and his girlfriend, but I found myself looking forward to the winter. I feel as if, this winter, and all coming ones, you will occupy my every vision. The winter, for some reason, is about you.

I miss you a lot now a day. Everything I do seem to remind me of you. I see my family and friends, especially my brother, and I feel my heart swell ten sizes too big. On an off note, people have attempted to set me up on blind dates ever since I regained my memories because I started to rejected men's advances. I refuse to find love until I find you. I know I'm taking a risk, but it's something I need to do. Taking risks allows people to live. I need to know if what I feel is just the longing for forgiveness or if I truly have fallen head over heels for a servant.

Whatever happens, though, Merlin, I will find you.

I can't wait for winter.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dear Readers,  
**

The continuation of this story can be found in**:  
**

**The Forgetful Reincarnation  
**(found in my author profile)**  
**

s/8276222/1/The-Forgetful-Reincarnation

* * *

_**(c) January 2013**  
_


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